Are we going nuts? | Pat Cashman

In our modern day swirl of crime stories, grim and grimmer economic news, nasty political races and miserable local, pro and college sports teams – it would seem difficult to find many signs of solace.

In our modern day swirl of crime stories, grim and grimmer economic news, nasty political races and miserable local, pro and college sports teams – it would seem difficult to find many signs of solace.

But not so, Moe. Maybe there IS something else going on out there.

The following is three true local events, two of which were witnessed personally — the third from a reliable source.

They may or may not make you more optimistic about our world these days, but perhaps more intrigued about the particular oddness of our species:

1. Dateline: About a year ago. My father-in-law, a man in his early 90’s and heading effortlessly toward becoming a centenarian – announced to his wife, “I’m gonna run into Safeway.” Then he got into his car, drove to Safeway – and ran into it. Through a plate glass window, specifically.

He sat for several minutes pondering the front end of his late model New Yorker, which was by then parked just inside the lobby of the store. A Safeway employee ran up to inquire if he’d been hurt. “No, I’m fine,” said my father-in-law. “No one else hurt, I hope?” No one was.

With that, my father-in-law climbed out of his only slightly damaged vehicle and proceeded to walk inside the store. The employee spoke up, “Sir, the police have been called and they’re on the way.”

Without looking back, my father-in-law said, “Might as well get my shopping done while I’m waiting for them.” Ten minutes later, the police found him in the bakery aisle selecting a package of butter horns.

2. Dateline: Three weeks ago. A man (different guy) came through the checkout line at a local Lowe’s home improvement store. He was buying four or five 8-foot lengths of plastic pipe. After the purchase, a female store clerk pointed out a box of twine lying near the exit door.

“You’re welcome to use some of that twine to help secure your plastic pipe to your car,” she said. The man thanked her, walked over to the box — and grabbed hold of the end of the spool. Ignoring the scissors and tape measure attached to the box, he proceeded to walk out the front door with his pipes under one arm – and dragging the twine with his free hand.

As employees and customers watched with mouths agape, the customer sauntered out to his car, twine in tow, until perhaps 200 feet of it trailed from the store lobby, across the parking lot to his vehicle. After using a dozen feet or so of it to secure the pipes to his car,

the man cut off the remainder with a pocketknife, got into his car and drove away.

The Lowe’s clerk slowly reeled the remaining length of twine back into the store.

3. Dateline: Ten days ago. My wife pulled into the parking lot of a Costco store, got out of her car and headed across the parking lot to the entrance. Halfway there, she saw something that caused her to do a double – and then a triple-take. Someone had parked their car – not in one of the many standard slots assigned – but rather INSIDE one of the store’s empty shopping cart corrals.

The mini-van, front in first, was tucked in so snugly alongside the metal rails, it was impossible to figure how the driver could have managed to get out. My wife decided to just stand by – waiting to see when and if our planet’s thinnest human might return to their car.

Before long, a woman of average height and build approached the vehicle, pushing a shopping cart full of Costco booty. Opening the van’s back hatch (the only reasonable point of access), she proceeded to place her items into the back of the car.

She lined them up – right and left – leaving an unobstructed alleyway right down the middle. Then, once her cart was empty, she rolled it across the lot to a different cart corral – and then returned to her car. Clambering in through the open hatch – and down the alleyw ay she’d made for herself – she climbed over the two seat backs and plopped into the driver’s seat.

She pulled out of the corral as slowly and carefully as she must have driven in. Once the car was out, she leapt out of the driver-side door, walked to the rear, closed the back hatch door – and then got back in and drove away.

I’m not sure what these three stories prove. Perhaps they are testament to the unshakable resolve, ingenuity and resourcefulness of the American people.

Perhaps they are bright lights of hope amidst the darkness.

Maybe they demonstrate the everlasting maverick nature of our citizens.

Or maybe we’re all starting to go a little bit nuts.