“I need you to pick up your toys.” “Have you picked up your toys?” “Why haven’t you picked up your toys yet?” “Do you need a consequence? I just asked you to pick up the toy!”

Whether your child is 2 or 12 or somewhere in between, having your child listen and then respond to what they heard is a skill that seems to be an age old problem. I remember being at the pediatrician’s office when one of my children was 3 years old and asking the doctor if he could double check my child’s hearing because he seemed to really be struggling with hearing what we said. The doctor reassured me his hearing was just fine, which led my husband and me to a startling revelation — it was his listening that was the problem! Whether you are a teacher, parent, or both, I’m sure you have experience the frustration of “selective” hearing. The good news is that in both roles I have found that there are several things that you can do to help encourage the art of listening and responding in your child. Here are five keys to help your child sharpen that skill:

1. The way we talk to our kids is important.

How we talk affects a child’s learning and his/​​her ability to listen to us. If we are distracted when we talk to our kids, our kids will also be distracted. Asking them something from a significant distance or trying to communicate from another room will also tend to prove problematic. Make time for one-on-one connection with your child, and when there are occasions that you simply can’t talk to your child, don’t feel bad about explaining that to them.

Also, be sure to speak in tones that are pleasant, firm, consistent and clear. Use the child’s name. The fact is, people love to hear their name spoken and using your child or student’s name helps call them to attention.

2. Look them in the eye.

For a young child you can lovingly touch his/​​her shoulder or hold his/​​her face in your hands. Eye contact means you have their attention. If your child is younger, get down on his/​​her eye level. This is also modeling for your child that he/​​she matters and what you are about to say has significance.

3. Be brief and keep it simple.

Children have trouble following too many directions given at once. This is also the case for most adults. For example, if after an eight-hour work day you were asked to go to the store to get milk and eggs, then head to the dry cleaners, stop off at the bank and go to the library to pick up a book, you would most likely forget to do one of those things. The same is true with our children and students. Only give them a small number of tasks or things to respond to in any given communication.

For preschool children, drawing simple sketches of what you want them to do is helpful. When my kids were little and when I taught preschool, I would draw up to four simple sketches depicting what I wanted them to do (things like a toothbrush for brushing their teeth, a bed for making their bed, etc.) For elementary aged children, a written list is helpful if you have specific things you want them to do because as they check off an item they can refer back to the list rather than needing reminders from you about what is required next.

4. Have them repeat back information.

Have your child repeat back to you what he/​​she has heard. For older children, having them take the time to write down what they heard is also helpful. If they can’t repeat back to you what they heard, what you told them may have been too long or complicated.

5. Hold them accountable.

This is probably the biggest key to emphasize. You may say something in the most loving, consistent, and firm way, and not get a response. If this is the case, you need to hold your child accountable. Give age-appropriate consequences to help your child learn the skill you are teaching or to obey you in following through on what you instructed him/​​her to do.

Listening is essential for life-long relationships and learning. And while these tips may not cure all your child’s listening issues, they may be stepping stones that give you new ideas and tools to help you have more active and responsive listeners. Can you hear me now?

Rachael Urban is the assistant admissions director at The Bear Creek School in Redmond.