Greenberg: Never too early to start molding your kids

My twin sons are now about six weeks old — so naturally, it’s time to begin applying to private preschools. I considered starting this process two weeks ago — but I believe that kids need a chance to be kids.

  • Tuesday, June 3, 2008 1:01pm
  • Opinion

My twin sons are now about six weeks old — so naturally, it’s time to begin applying to private preschools.

I considered starting this process two weeks ago — but I believe that kids need a chance to be kids.

I’m not opposed to sending them to public school.

I believe in the Second Amendment right to bear arms.

I’d just like them taught by someone other than a history major who couldn’t find a better job. Besides, everyone else in our neighborhood sends their kids to public schools.

If my kids don’t get a fancy education, how are they going to develop that sense of self-worth that only comes from believing that they’re better than those around them?

Also, since it’s springtime, both of my kids have started training for football season. I realize that since they’re just over a month old, their pediatrician may not clear them for full-contact play.

But what do pediatricians know about making it to the pros?

Sure, she may want to make sure my boys don’t suffer any brain trauma, but she doesn’t care whether or not they start on varsity as freshmen and go on to be All Americans?

As a parent, I’ve got to put their best interests ahead of safety. Someone’s got to help them realize my dream of being the father of great football players.

My kids are also starting to make friends. As a parent, it’s very important to make sure your newborns run (or crawl) with the right crowd.

That’s why before a play date, I collect three years’ worth of W-2’s and run a credit check on their prospective friend’s parents. Bad credit is typically a sign of other problems.

If you wouldn’t let your babies hang out with that boy in the neighborhood who set a cat on fire, you should also steer them clear of anyone whose parents have missed a mortgage payment.

And it’s never too soon to teach your kids to be part of the cool crowd—by showing them how to judge other babies who may be a bit different.

For example, if a prospective baby friend spits up too much, that’s a sign that when he gets older, that baby won’t be able to hold his booze.

Drinking is an important part of socialization — my kids need to learn now to avoid lightweights.

I suppose the most exciting part of being the parent of infants is watching them prepare for their careers. One of my boys wants to be a rock star, and the other an activist investor.

I know about the rock star because the one time we had to give him a drop of Infant Tylenol, he lit up like it was the happiest day of his life.

Surely, such a predilection for drugs promises a successful recording career.

And the other wants to be an activist investor, because he’s been trying to force Yahoo! to reconsider Microsoft’s bid.

Jeremy Greenberg is a writer, comedian and an Eastside resident. He is the author of the forthcoming book, Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com


In consideration of how we voice our opinions in the modern world, we’ve closed comments on our websites. We value the opinions of our readers and we encourage you to keep the conversation going.

Please feel free to share your story tips by emailing editor@redmond-reporter.com.

To share your opinion for publication, submit a letter through our website https://www.redmond-reporter.com/submit-letter/. Include your name, address and daytime phone number. (We’ll only publish your name and hometown.) We reserve the right to edit letters, but if you keep yours to 300 words or less, we won’t ask you to shorten it.

More in Opinion

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He retired as president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. He can be contacted at thebrunells@msn.com.
Why should the threat to Taiwan concern us in WA? | Brunell

Unfortunately, what happens in Taiwan doesn’t just stay in Taiwan — it… Continue reading

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact bjroegner@comcast.net.
Election 2021: Closer look at King County races | Roegner

The race for Mayor of Seattle will dominate the regional media, but… Continue reading

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact bjroegner@comcast.net.
Questions surround vaccine exemptions for state workers | Roegner

With about 4,800 state employees in 24 agencies requesting vaccine exemptions, which… Continue reading

Dr. Jayendrina Singha Ray serves as Faculty of English at Highline College. Her research interests include postcolonial studies, spatial literary studies, British literature, and rhetoric and composition. Prior to teaching in the U.S., she worked as an editor with Routledge and taught English at colleges in India.
What the Afghan wants to say: Arezo’s journey to America | Guest column

In our little Zoom room, I hear my interviewee break into sobs.… Continue reading

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact bjroegner@comcast.net.
Can a Texas-style abortion law happen in Washington? | Roegner

If politicians really want to anger women voters, the easiest way is… Continue reading

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He retired as president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. He can be contacted at thebrunells@msn.com.
Reasons to ban Gov. Jay Inslee’s natural gas ban | Brunell

Column: Switching from natural gas to electricity is complicated and will impact everyone.

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He recently retired as president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and now lives in Vancouver. He can be contacted at thebrunells@msn.com.
Vaccinations improve our health and employment numbers | Brunell

It is not surprising that COVID-19, which ravaged the world, was disastrous… Continue reading

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact bjroegner@comcast.net.
Firefighters vs. the governor’s vaccine mandate | Roegner

We all thought we were in this fight with the coronavirus together,… Continue reading

Providence employees look at anti-vaccine mandate protesters as they cross the street outside of Providence Regional Medical Center Everett on Aug. 18, 2021. Olivia Vanni/Sound Publishing
Editorial: A message to the unvaccinated and unmasked

We know you’re frustrated with mandates and advice, but consider our frustrations and, yes, our anger.

Federal Way resident Bob Roegner is a former mayor of Auburn. Contact bjroegner@comcast.net.
Back to the classroom during abnormal times | Roegner

If it didn’t feel so normal, we might forget about the coronavirus… Continue reading

Robert Toomey, CFA/CFP, is Vice President of Research for S. R. Schill & Associates on Mercer Island.
What’s up with the real estate market? | Guest column

As we all know, the residential real estate market and prices have… Continue reading

9/11 Memorial in Cashmere, Washington. Photo courtesy of Greg Asimakoupoulos
Twenty years after tragedy brought us together | Guest column

Recently, I was reflecting on where I was and what I was… Continue reading