Newly formed group at Bear Creek encourages cooperation, humility

Pride and prejudice often get in the way of well-meaning, seemingly rational parents. Who among us hasn’t been present at a PTA or boosters meeting where “suggestions” turned into harsh criticisms of others’ ideas or parenting styles?

At The Bear Creek School in Redmond, a recently formed ParentNet group encourages connectedness and cooperation. Effective advocacy requires self-discipline and humility, not pointing fingers at others, said Karen Firminger of Redmond and Natalie Higashiyama of Sammamish, who co-chair the group with Redmond’s Kim Wallis.

The mothers shared examples from a PowerPoint presentation they’ve used to introduce ParentNet at Bear Creek. They didn’t create the concept but adapted it from a model developed by a group at Redmond’s Overlake School.

They said harmful behaviors include “avoidance, blaming, rumor, collusion, pessimism, judgment, apathy, opposition and defensiveness,” while helpful behaviors are “involvement, problem-solving, honesty, trust, optimism, mutual respect, empathy, collaboration and active listening.”

Since the fall of 2008, ParentNet organizers have reached out to Bear Creek parents at all grade levels and asked them to vote on topics of mutual interest.

Small groups have discussed everything from kids’ hormonal and developmental changes to use of cell phones and video games, playground etiquette, perfectionism or transitioning to college. Meetings are led by trained facilitators and participants must abide by a contract that asks all to be discrete and respectful.

To illustrate that point, Higashiyama referred to a favorite quote from former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt: “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Another aspect of the ParentNet contract is to “speak for yourself — avoid hearsay.”

Firminger explained, “We don’t take gossip to the head of school, such as a parent complaining about too much homework. Instead, we center a discussion on time management. … A parent can be a catalyst to bring light to a topic, rather than attacking a teacher.”

In February, ParentNet participants at Bear Creek will gather for a book discussion called “A Life Well-lived: A Book Well-read.”

Book titles include “The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World,” “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children,” “Instructing a Child’s Heart” and “Perfecting Ourselves to Death: The Pursuit of Excellence and the Perils of Perfectionism.”

Reading materials “are not intended to tell you how to parent,” Firminger stressed. “You can take what you want — or not — from their wisdom.”

But she thinks that being open to the research and experience of the authors and other parents is aligned with the mission of The Bear Creek School, “Know Truth. Discover Purpose. Make a Difference.” At the non-denominational Christian school, students are asked to combine knowledge with integrity and positive influence. Parents, as role models, need to do that, too, said Firminger.

She and Higashiyma said they’d like to see this movement extend “beyond the Bear Creek bubble or Redmond bubble.” Prospective ParentNet leaders at other schools may contact them for tips on how to get started.

For more information, e-mail karenfirminger@hotmail.com or nhigashiyma@comcast.net.

For information about The Bear Creek School, call (425) 898-1720 or visit www.tbcs.org.