It’s time for another glorious year.

While I’m not big on resolutions — to me they’re little more than a collection things that I dare myself not to fail at – I do like to compile a small list of events I’d like to see happen in the coming year.

Here’s my 2009 wish list:

• I’d like my kids to become potty trained. My twin sons currently produce more crap than a Detroit auto plant. I am not sure at what age kids start using the toilet, but I hope it occurs sometime in 2009.

• I hope that we invade Iran. I know that the Barack Obama administration will be much less inclined to engage in belligerent acts of aggression. But I have really come to enjoy watching war on the news. I fear that if we end our occupation of foreign countries, I’ll be forced to watch CSI.

• I want President Obama to be allowed to smoke — but only when he’s 25 feet from the entrance to the White House. Everyone knows he smokes. I guess it’s not a terrible habit if you consider that former President Clinton was into cigars. And the belief that a president is a role model is overblown. If that were the case, kids across the America would’ve spent the past eight years becoming cross-eyed and developing a stutter.

• I want Vladimir Putin to develop erectile dysfunction. Perhaps one of the greatest threats to the free world is the renewed confidence and swagger of Russia. That confidence comes from their head guy, Vladimir Putin. To put a crimp in his walk, it would be wonderful if he were to suddenly realize that he isn’t the man that he thinks he is.

• I want CNN to start showing reruns of South Park. As far as I can tell, they’re the only cable channel currently not showing them. Besides, any news network willing to give a show to D.L. Hughley can only improve its reputation by showing cartoons.

• I hope that “The Big 3” fail anyway. The American government just gave these car companies so much aid you’d think they were Israel. At least Israel knows how to turn a profit. I certainly don’t want people to lose their jobs, but there’s no sense in supporting companies who make a product no one wants. Besides, T. Boone Pickens can use the old factories to create windmills.

• I want Mexico to open technical support centers that service Indian (from India) computer owners. It would just tickle me to see Paco change his name to Punjab so as to increase the quality of his customer service. And even better, listening to a frustrated guy from Mumbai yelling into his phone, “What? I can’t understand you. Learn to speak Hindi!”

Well friends and readers, that’s my 2009 wish list. One other thing I would add is that I hope all of you have a great, safe, and prosperous new year. Also, keep in mind that we’re probably going to experience another great depression — so it’s a good time to stock up on some leather shoes — just in case you get hungry.

Happy New Year!

Jeremy Greenberg is a writer, comedian and an Eastside resident. He is the author of, Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). Learn more at www.relativediscomfort.com.